Opening Credits: Now, being born in 1990 myself, I was accustomed to seeing the creepy swing and that creepy clown and the spooky shutters at the beginning of my episodes of AYAOTD. Now, going back and rewatching Phantom Cab, I realized that the random door in some clouds also seemed to trigger my inner child to twitch with a violent terror. Oh Creepy Door, how you must have scarred me as a child.
The Foreplay: Before each story, there is always an intro to the regular gang of misfits that seem to sneak out of their homes at ungodly hours of the night to go tell each other mediocre stories. In this episode, Gary (Ross Hull Student Bodies, The Weather Network) tells us all that the group of insomniac children are from 'different schools with different friends' but the one thing they all have in common, other than a really bad sleep schedule, is their love for spooky stories. Oh and the dark. He gives us a warning that we will be leaving the light and 'stepping into the world of the supernatural'. Now, I don't know if any of you watched this the way I did, but I recall every light on the floor that I was on being turned on when this show came on. Leaving the world of the light? I don't think so, Gary. My parents might be paying double for their electrical bills, but fuck if I'm going to watch this shit in the dark.
So, in short - Gary's sporting his rather spiffy Coke-bottle-glasses and they recruit a new member into their cult. And of course, newbie is blindfolded and has no idea where the fuck they've taken him because it's a secret location. Looks like a forest to me, kids. Forests aren't secret. I'm sure teenagers with things better to do, like smoke copious amounts of weed and binge drink and have unprotected wilderness sex have stumbled upon your little campfire ring. But fine. It's your party and you can blindfold people if you want to.
Gary sits upon his stone throne and gives Dave, the sponsor for newbie, the Magical Sack of Sand, to throw into the flame to begin our tale.
The Story (According to Wikipedia): Two brothers get lost in the woods and come across a mysterious cab driver, as well as a reclusive backwoods scientist by the name of Dr. Vink. In order to prevent their death, they must solve the riddle: "What is lighter than air, can be seen by the naked eye, and if you put it into a barrel, it will make the barrel lighter?". In the end, the kids are able to solve the riddle (the answer is a hole) and free all of the spirits originally trapped by Vink's curse.
The Story (According to a 1990's Survivor): The first thing we see is a boy walking through a forest, because the 1990's were a time of wilderness and sports. And sneakers, apparently. And really bad jeans. Anyway, I suppose this isn't a fashion blog, I am supposed to just tell you the story.
Denny (Douche), the older brother, is your stereotypical 1990's jock with a brain.
Buzz (Hero), the younger brother, is your stereotypical 1990's nerd with a heart of gold.
Denny and Buzz are walking through a forest when the narrator tells us that Buzz will be able to prove himself to Denny on this hiking trip. Foreshadowing is a wonderful literary tool.
Denny is also a wonderful tool for referring to his brother as "Tanto" within the first minute of our tale. A+ job, Denny. Not only are you going to be the reason for countless years of therapy for Buzz, you're also going to look like a douchebag to the audience.
We need Denny's douchebag-osity to stand out against Buzz's wimpy kid persona. Without the overabundance of selfishness and put downs, how else are 90's kids supposed to learn to be nice and stuff, right? Stellar. Enough character chit-chat, let's get to the meat and potatoes of this episode.
So Buzz gets the pair lost in the woods and the map gets spilled on with water. Rendering the map useless. Good thing our hero knows the trails off by heart. Buzz nearly falls to death, Denny saves him, Buzz feels like a dork. Denny says he should've let Buzz fall. 1990's children everywhere are horrified.
They obviously get lost and obviously, it 'doesn't make sense'. Because they should've been out of this forest. Oh but, no. Buzz is apparently new to this compass device and has been following the compass the wrong way this entire time. What a hilarious twist.
After some more running in the forest, which is turning out to look more and more like the visual representation of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the two see a light in the fog. Why, it's our good buddy Flynn, who looks absolutely psychotic. Let's hope that Buzz's Jason reference wasn't right and this guy isn't going to hack them to pieces. Although at this rate, it'll probably be the best part of this episode. After some vague comments, Flynn tells the boys he'll take them to a doctor who can help them.
RULE #1 OF THE 1990'S: DON'T. TALK. TO STRANGERS.
"Btw how good are you guys at solving riddles?"
Well, damn. I was unaware The Riddler was going to be in this. And in a flash, Flynn disappears. Into thin air. Spooky, don't you think?
Well, Doctor Hagrid seems to open the door and invites the boys in for riddles and soul-swapping. Always fun to be had at the shack in the woods. Maybe we'll get to see Harry and his crew. Evil Hagrid has now had the most ADD conversation with himself that I have ever heard.
RIDDLE #1: How far can you walk into the woods?
"Half way" our hero replies. And Hagrid awards him by not slaughtering him to death. It's like Saw but far more intellectually compelling.
RIDDLE #2: What is it? That has no weight, can be seen by the naked eye and if you put it in a barrel, it would make the barrel lighter?
Now, Denny has been rendered useless. It's all up to Buzz now. Who has absolutely no idea what the answer is.
So far, no Phantom Cab, btw.
Hagrid becomes rather OOC and throws the boys out of the hut. He tells them to leave and go wait for this random forest cab that will go pick them up. Pretty sweet, imo.
Oh, wait - another deal. If they give him a part of them, he can help them. He shows them this hand in a jar, which doesn't belong to the Tenth Doctor, and they book it. Screaming, they run off. And Hagrid implies that he'll see them again shortly.
Now the MS gets their panties in a bunch because, apparently, you can't put a riddle in your story that cannot be solved. However, Gary, God of the Insomniac Children of the Forest, has spoken and says that perhaps it can be solved.
Well, everyone pretty much shuts up after that and the story continues.
"Do you really think a cab's gonna come by?"
"Get real, there's no cabs in the woods"
Oh Denny, how wrong you are, my boy.
So the cab pulls up and OH! It's our good buddy Flynn. And he can apparently drive a cab and looks like he could use a tan. Poor Flynn, I would think that living out in the woods would give you ample time to hang out in the sun. But what do I know, I live in suburbia. Now here comes the ever-awesome "Doctor Vink took a specimen from me forty years ago and lol it's my hand and lol btw I'm dead so I'mma kill you too with my cab of doom and this here tree" bit. Never fails for a good story to have all the actual backstory in the middle.
I will say this, though, Flynn drives pretty damn well for a dead guy. He drives sort of like I do.
Maybe I drive really poorly. Who knows, point is that The Flynner's life and license have both expired and now Denny and Buzz feel as though the end is near. Sounding like the Amazing Gonzo, Flynn gets all stoked to kill the kids and himself yet again.
Come on, Buzz. Solve the damn riddle. Come on, you knob, figure it out. Denny, STRANGLING YOUR BROTHER ISN'T GOING TO HELP.
OH BUZZ. YOU KNOW THE ANSWER. IT'S A HOLE.
Flynn is sounding a lot like Crash Bandicoot an- Oh. The evil curse is broken. And they didn't crash. And they're alive. And the cab is gone. And they're saved.
BUT OH NO. ANOTHER CAB SHOWS UP?
Lulz, no. It's a ranger looking for these two idiots who can't read a compass or a map. And guess what! No one ever saw the cab again and when the cops went to check out Hagrid's hut, he had already TARDIS'd that shit out of there and left nothing but a rock foundation covered in weeds.
So now we cut back to our crew and King Gary The Lionhearted says it's time for the vote. And of course - newbie is now in! Hooray!
King Gary congratulates Newbie and puts out the fire with The Bright Red Pail of Water and the smoke and creepy music come back. Fin.
1990's: Where Art Thou? A stunning display of the 90's culture, blending with a bit of the late 80's came up in this episode. Let us recap my favourites.
- The Marty McFly jeans
- The baseball cap
- "Jerk", "dork" and a possible "dweeb"
- Multi-coloured shirts
- Creepy men in forests
- Really bad make up/SFX
- Jean jackets
- Cut off sleeves
Then and Now: Both now and then, getting lost in the woods is never a fun thought. For me personally, I have a recurring nightmare about the very thought (now I am also being chased by a murder, but whatever) and I would think that no one would like to get lost in the dark in general, no matter where you are. However, speaking only from a special effects/storytelling point of view? This ranks as something you could chuckle into your Cinnamon Toast Crunch over.
Rating: Although the story kind of did blow, it had the potential to be really rather frightening. Being lost, forests, creepy dudes with hands in jars. If the show hadn't feared giving children heart attacks, I think there would be real potential for that portion of the story. I could've lived without the cab part, to be honest.
So, for the terrifying portrayal of a crazed doctor possibility? 5/5.
For the way this story was told and including the cab portion of this tale? 1.5/5
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